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- "Mr Benn was beginning to think he had
   been prescribed the wrong medication."

- "Mr Benn's dream of a small cocktail and Cossie's
   wish for a nice Black Bush on the rocks seemed
   to have got lost in translation."

- "Guess who's had one too many Pimm's?"

- "You show me a bloke who likes the Pet Shop
   Boys and I'll show him the back of my hand!"

- "And another thing...I have NEVER drunk
    Pimm's either!"

- "Mr Benn was the only one to arrive in fancy
   dress for the final game"

- "Ken Bates enjoys fooling the faithful with
   his disguise"

- "There's not a beard in sight as Leeds get
    ready for promotion."

- "Stand on one leg if your not gay!"

- "Cossie now realised it was time to turn the
   central heating back on."

- "Mrs C's butler was asked to get some more
    ice for her large G and T."

- "Get yer bird to get her chipped front tooth
   fixed will you, Bridgey. I could hardly get me
   shorts on this mornin'."

- "I'm so sorry to have upset you JT but I thought
   you knew Dire Straits split up in 1995."

- "Bob puts the final touches to Rory's Christmas
   card and hopes Betty doesn't mind the language
    he's used."

- "Sam The Man is about to send his Christmas
   card to Anton du Beke."

- "Bob prepares to post Rory's Christmas card
   but fears the online translator has gone
   wrong again"

- "Mrs C regretted the day she let Mr C talk her
    into applying for Mongolian Wife Swap."

- "The SW Coach/L&P house swap left the
    southerners feeling hard done by."

- "I do like to keep abreast of what's going on
    in the armed forces"

- "And if I move this hand I'll feel a right tit"

- "Mr C gave up waiting for another person
   to join him in the Embrace chat room"

- "Even Pxyzyzygy had to admit that 3,000
    Hindi Devotional downloads was too much
   for one evening"

- "The contest to see who got to sleep in
    Barrowman's tent at Glasto was down to
    the last 3 competitors"

- "Try as they might, Don Estelle and Tony
    Hancock just couldn't out-spoof Mr C"

- "Cossie (who has right of call as he is clearly
    nearest to London Bridge): Two Hats"

- "I have just pleasured myself, here, smell."


- "A record crowd gathered for the 2009 Paper
   Scissors Stone final and it was a nervous start
   from the Scottish competitor."

- "LUFC's thuggish image is ruined as 2 of
   their celebrity fans are spotted drinking
   Pinot Grigio before the game."